Who rules our destiny?

Destiny, choices, fate, privilege, entitlement!

Intimidating words, conversations that are hard to have, I seem to thrive in such. A friend once asked me whether I like to provoke people and " Don’t I fear the repercussions? " 

No, I don’t say, or in some cases post, these things to provoke people, I do because they are on my mind! I guess I don’t really fear the repercussions because my intentions are not to annoy people but to, you know, get us thinking and talking, preferably out of the box and our comfort zones.

These are intertwined topics that I think and read about, and research on almost obsessively. Why you ask?

I have a theory I don’t know how right it is but here goes! I don’t like to define myself or people. I believe we are and should remain fluid. Plus, we go through different things in order to survive or flourish we need to adapt and change. But having said that, there are boxes we can’t really change.

My box

I am a dread locked female, Luo, a mother, black, African, Kenyan, immigrant. 

Now that is one helluva BOX right there. Depends on how one looks at it but it seems that there is more negative to it than positive.

Numero uno is that of course I never chose any of these. This falls on pre-determined fate as well as privilege and entitlement or rather lack of! Except the Dreads. Those are by choice and not necessarily to my advantage!

I live in Europe so being black/ African isn’t necessarily an advantage. Assumption is that I am an undocumented immigrant of a certain faith.

Most Caucasians either don’t like me much, treat me like a specimen to be observed or flat out ignore me.

"How did you come to France? Oh, you are so clever and eloquent is it because you schooled in France?  What do you want? Are you lost? !" 

I remember one day walking into this restaurant and the lady said « Sorry we are not hiring any cleaners! » I responded "good to know but are you serving food? "

Or recently when food had been served somewhere and one of the hosts ran to inform yours truly that one dish had pork in it. I really wonder why, amongst the over 30 guests, I was the only one to be informed. I whispered back you might want to look out for the Orthodox, SDA, Jew etc too. They probably need that information more than I do.

The « Other Africans » treat me like an alien they know little about Kenya!

I still remember being asked how come I am well versed in Congolese rhumba and Lingala or how I knew about « Insert a country ‘s » politics and old school maestros.

Don’t be fooled I do listen to all kinds of music! Except, there is always an exception?Techno, I can’t stand that isht. As for Lingala, I understand Swahili and French, so yea I can get by!

I dated this gentleman sometime back, his sister, on meeting me for the first time asked him what was wrong with him? Couldn’t he date a fellow country mate? Why is he walking around with this boney East African? This in front of me. I love their honesty though!

Yes, I was slender, skinny actually. So skinny when I fell sick sometime in 2006 the first thing the doctors suspected was drugs and anorexia. I don’t know if those two go together! Anyway Central, and West Africans didn’t feel my vibes. 

North Africans asked me why I had changed my name to Jacqueline, Southern Africans told me I am not wife material and The French West Indians…well most had bile with me, I never knew why for being African, I guess.

Disclaimer I am talking of my experiences not generalizing ! 👀

But hey you’d think it would be easier back home, right? Well no, each tribe* has stereo types and luos aren’t an exception; especially during election period!

 It isn’t easy to be a woman anywhere! Luo women are rumored to be too opinionated, angry and tough headed. Only the « brave » go near these non-proverbs 31 women. Not to mention that in the craze for light skinned petite women a.k.a SI unit for beauty; we fall short, we are generally dark skinned with big everything, bum, nose, boobs, mouths the works!

I am proud to inform you that, 2 children later, I look less anorexic and more luo. So luo that people can’t help but advise me to do sports and go on this or that diet.

Being my brothers' sister never helped either. We are a family of rebels and though my rebellion is kinda different, internal, my brothers' was loud. 

One, they are handsome with a bad boy reputation. Some had dreadlocks😒. Mothers hated them. fathers, mothers, teachers the whole system judged them and me by proxy. I mean I get the whole not trusting "bad boys" with your daughter and stuff but surely what wrong had I ever done to anyone? 

Which leaves me with being a mother. I guess being a mother could be okayish only that, in France you rarely get invited out because… yea kids! You may want to suggest going out with other mothers…they are not better! I seem to be the only one ever looking for an opportunity to take a break from that role!

Being a parent in this society = privilege when it comes to tax reductions, and in my case work schedule but you lose the social aspect. It is almost like you lose your identity as a being and become an extension of your rather entitled kids until when they can’t stand you anymore or they set off to start their journey in this thing called life through higher education, friends, travel, partner or all the above, in short they move out !

So yes, baggage! My theory is this baggage is the first and most important factor, it is what fuels my fascination with this topic.

On to the second point: Friends

I happen to have many friends from all walks of life. I am not even good at socializing so I don’t even know how this happens. But I tend to attract beautiful souls, I may sound obnoxious here but I hope this means that I am a beautiful soul too! What is certain is that I don’t discriminate as a result I am ever confronted by different perspectives and not only do they help me grow, I am defined by them now. This makes me seem like a people pleaser with no stand. Key word here is Seem. Having said that I tend to choose my battles and if that makes a weakling of me, oh well, so be it!

Lastly, Location

I did move to a totally different continent and country. Now with hindsight, I must have been as crazy as my mother who sent me here. This is because I practically knew no one and didn’t speak the language! I had to observe a lot, and one thing that I couldn’t help but notice was how different the world was and that too shaped my life!

I can comfortably hang around all kinds of people and also comfortably touch on these topics. I don’t need to be around people who share my views, nor do I need to fight or hate on those who don’t.

But most people don’t like these topics. Mostly because they feel defensive, targeted, failed, misunderstood. Which I understand really, I do. But then, don't we need to look at these things, see their roots and figure out how to change until everyone can benefit from them or at the very least no one should suffer from them?

Privilege and entitlement talks make people uncomfortable; I mean if you want to lose friends start this topic. Like most people, I have the luxury and « malheur » to be viewed as both having and lacking privilege. What I do with this is, I introspect. I try to figure out how to make it work for: my entourage, those who might benefit from it and myself. At least I strive for that. 

I believe it is one of those never-ending topics, I will always have a lot to share about and a lot to learn. Maybe it is easier for me than for others despite the fact that I didn't just get the privileges I enjoy, most I had to shed tears and sweat to get. 

So what’s my point? I don’t know. Unfortunately for some and fortunately for others, notably Caucasian males, Life is quite complex! There are different factors; the predetermined fate including our environment, culture etc., as well as, in some cases, the choices we consciously and subconsciously make.

As Buju B says «I wanna rule my destiny ». We all want to but few of us have the freedom to come close to doing it. If, you are lucky enough to, my advice would be don’t feel entitled and do not look down upon the others. Use your privilege for people’s good and not just to your advantage or to oppress others. You will be surprised by just how fulfilling it can be.

This is also my way of saying

Some of the topics I touch on might rub you the wrong way or make you uncomfortable.

Don’t shy away from such they force you to get out of your comfort zone, they help us grow and get better. Says the lady who doesn’t know what comfort zones entail because…life!

*tribe  

We have tribes and languages, not dialects.